I’ve been trying to write this post for a very, very long time.  I’ve started several posts very much like this one, only to delete them from my dashboard before they got anywhere close to publishing.  The thing is, me and Sebastian go way back.  I have to really work my thinker to remember a time I didn’t know him.  When you know a person that long, you stop thinking about what your friendship means to you and if you aren’t careful, you start to take it for granted.  I don’t think I ever stopped knowing that Sebastian is one of the most important people in my life and he’ll always be one of my most favorite, but I do think I take our friendship for granted sometimes. 

But then there are times like tonight when things just go to shit and I end up running away, looking to someone to listen, and he’s the one who comes through for me.  My roommates and I got in a fight and I felt like if I stayed in that apartment one more minute I was going to make some very bad decisions.  Topanga wasn’t in town.  Layla had class.  I didn’t even want to bother Taylor and Dylan.  But damnit I was pissed off and unless I vented soon I was probably going to cry and call my mom.  I started calling all my friends and no one would answer.  And just when the tears started to come, Sebastian saved the day.  I got a voicemail from him saying, “Oh hey!  I missed your call but call me back!” So I did, and he let me know that I’m not the crazy one.  He assured me that I’m a perfectly delightful human being and am loads of fun, impaired or not.  I think I knew this anyway, but it’s nice to hear someone you trust so much say it anyway.  He’s always been bluntly honest with me, so even if he hadn’t been unbiased, he’d have given it to me straight anyway.  It’s nice to have a friend like that.  He’s always got my best interests at heart, even if I don’t want to hear what he has to say sometimes.  I know I can trust him, though, because he won’t just sugar-coat things to make me feel better.  The crazy thing is, he always makes me feel better anyway.

Baz Luhrman had this song out in the 90′s called “Everybody’s Free (To Wear Sunscreen) in which he gives a whole bunch of life advice to the class of ’97.  I’ve loved the song ever since and I try to listen to it every few months to remind myself of a few things.  There are two lines in the song that have hit home the most lately.  The first one is, “Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on.  Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get,  the more you need the people you knew when you were young.”  I think that pretty much sums up my relationship with everyone from back home, but especially Sebastian and Belle, and maybe Char.  Because I’ve known him for so long, Sebastian has seen it all.  He’s known me through just about every stage imaginable, and he’s seen me through some pretty rough (or at least colorful) times.  I’ve had lots of friends throughout the years, but Sebastian is one of the rare few that has never gone away.  In fact, when things have been shitty, he’s always the one who’s closest by my side.  Obviously it’s nice to have such an amazing and loyal friend, but what I appreciate most is more than just dependability.  The thing about Sebastian is that he knows me.  He’s been my friend for as long as I’ve been in school and if there’s one person who truly understands the way my mind works, it’s him.  He knows my story because he’s lived the whole thing with me.  It’s nice to have someone like that on your speed dial when there are days like today, when you just need a calm, honest voice to talk you through your shit and make you smile.  At the end of our conversation when I exclaimed my joy that Spring Break and thus quality time together is only one week away he told me, “By the way, I have a surprise for you.  Well, actually it’s from my mom because she saw it and was like, ‘Ohmygosh!’ but yes, I have something for you!”  I know it won’t be much, and I’m certainly not saying that the reason I love Sebastian is because of gifts. What I am saying is that it’s nice that I know someone so well that even their mommy sees things and thinks of me.  And in a way, that makes me smile and feel better because it means I have a true, bonafide, best friend in this dude.  That’s enough to cheer me up any day!

So here’s to you, kid!  Thanks for being such a BAMF!  I love you for always and eternal, as the crazy gypsy lady in “Holes” would say.  I don’t say it often anymore, but I hope you still know that I’ve always got your back no matter what happens.  I hope you never ever change because you’re such a stand up guy, but if you do, I promise I’ll love you anyway.  That’s just what best friends are for.

(BTW…The other line from the song that I like a lot lately is, “Be nice to your siblings, they’re your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.” But that’s another story…)

• The people who live above us like to play their shitty rap and r&b music incredibly loud while they fuck like crazy.  My roommates came home earlier and Betty got so mad at them that she pounded on the ceiling with a broomstick.  They turned it down but stomped really loud back at us and went right back to fucking without the music. Which is even worse because no one wants to hear that all the time?  I wonder if they’ll keep it down or if this will play out to be more drama. (and the plot thickens…!)
• Matt Damon is one of my all time favorite pretty faces.  I’ve read all but like 3 of John Grisham’s novels.  Right now “The Rainmaker” is on USA and I’m so happy!  He’s so young and sexy looking in it and it’s also adorable as hell to watch him and Claire Danes (another fave) do their thing.  If you haven’t seen Sarah Silverman’s video I’m Fucking Matt Damon then you should check it out now. 
• Also, I was wondering earlier… what the hell is it about smoking a cigarette that makes boys want to kiss me?  I was making a list in my head of the last 5 boys I’ve kissed and I realized that cigarettes had something to do with at least 3 of them.  Very weird.  Too bad it’s such a bad habit!  Pretty yucky when you think about it.
• I really enjoy taking pictures.  It’s nice to be able to look back at certain moments.  Today I realized I had a whole bunch of pictures on my camera card that I’d forgotten all about and as we flipped through them it was fun to laugh at the little moments we’d captured but forgotten about since. 
• Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve wanted a library in my house when I grow up.  I spent like $200 at Barnes & Noble over Christmas Break and I’m slowly working my way through my purchases.  I think after I finish “No Country For Old Men” I’ll read some Dickens again.  It’s been a little while since I’ve read good ol’ Chaz and I miss him! 

I keep a notebook with my in my bag pretty much all the time.  I’m not sure if it’s a habit I picked up from my mother, a product of my overactive ADHD mind, or the journalist inside of me.  But having it around means that I’m able to jot things down to blog about and look over my notes later.  Here are a few random ones as of late::

• “Sometimes I wish I was a giant.  So that  I could see the circumference of the world!”- Topanga out at The Park In the Sky
• Q:Why didn’t the Skeleton cross the Road?
  A: Because he didn’t have the guts!
• Taylor: (gasping in awe) “The last muffin!”
• Try to remember which Dylan song Joan Boaz did a cover of that I liked.  It was badass and I want to hear it again!
• Add “Beautiful Disaster,” “Put Your Lights On,” and “Rescue Blues” to the My Soundtrack project.
• Books I still need to read: Blade Runner, Trainspotting, American Psycho, and Minority Report.  Also, possibly The Spiderwick Chronicles?
• Movies to add to my Netflix que: “Falling Down,” “House On Haunted Hill,” “Margot At the Wedding,” “Beloved”… Also “The Point” with Ringo Star and “Equalibrium.”
• “Do you ever think about how lazy people in other countries must think we Americans are?  We go outside just to run.  Like what?  We’re all sitting at home playing our video games and we stand up and say “Oh man!  I need to excercise my legs because I’ve been sitting on my ass all day long!  Man… I bet some dude in Zimbabwe is all, ‘Bitch please! I have to run from lions daily!”- My friends crack my shit up!

By the way… I’d like to clear up something I realized after reading my last entry.  It’s not about “addiction” in the terms of drugs, booze, sex, and rock n roll.  It’s not about those things at all.  In retrospect I realize that some may view it that way, but I’m not going to change something honest for fear of how someone else might interpret it.  I’m writing this blog in the way that I am because if I’m going to try to write again, it needs to be honest and true.  I can’t censor myself or hold anything back.  This is my release, and I’d be cheating myself by keeping my mouth shut.  I give myself and my friends psuedonames and most of my entries are posted at least a few weeks after they were originally written so that dates and times mean nothing.  I also keep a private blog where I experiment with pieces and hide the ones I’m not brave enough to publish here.  That’s why sometimes things I write come and go, or show up out of order or retroactively.  In a way, being Jessica Rigby is a chance for me to be someone else.  Someone honest and real, who doesn’t hide from anything but protects herself and her loved ones all the same.  I’m not asking for anything but a chance to express myself and let out all these crazy thoughts swirling around in my mind.  If you want to read it, go ahead.  Just don’t expect me to explain, or apologize for, or edit anything.

They deserve to know the truth.  Except telling them the truth would hurt them so much (SO MUCH!) and I could never bare to be the reason for that kind of hurt and confusion in such a beautiful soul.  All I ever wanted to do was inspire them, make them believe in what they synically disbelieved in and claimed they didn’t want.  And I was lonely.  We can’t deny how big of a role that played.  So I keep telling myself, “Just let it go a little longer and you’ll find your way out.” Except I keep going longer and longer and the only thing that I find is more and more reasons that I should stay.  But staying brings this whole thing full circle back the the beginning, where I know I need to leave and I don’t know how.  I dont fucking want to go!  I want to stay this happy and content for the rest of my life.  Except I can’t.  I fucked up at the beginning by not telling the truth, by hiding behind a mask and not being myself.  And it’s simply too late to go back and change that now. 

FUCK!

Why did I do this?  What the hell brought me to this?  No one suggested it.  It didn’t fall upon me.  I choose it.  I tried it a year ago, I loved the way it made me feel, and I stupidly came back to it.  I took it so far and now it’s taking me the rest of the way down, all the way to distruction.  This isn’t going to be pretty when it ends.  There’s going to be tears and sleepless nights and a whole slew of other messy complications.  I’m going to loose the one person that understands, who knows, who cares.  The only one who can really fix me.  (Everyone else just covers it up with a BandAid and a kiss.)  A few months ago I would have laughed, but now I agree with what was said last night.  When this is over… we’ll be ripping a piece of each other away from the other.  I just hope they’re strong enough to ignore the pain.

I know I’m not.

JR-”Dude are you good?”
T- “Yeah… I’m just really into this “movie” (indicates to bong) man.”
JR- “Well… I’m glad you appreciate cinema as much as I do!”

Hahaha then when I went to blog this she told me she was baked out and said, “I’m so into this movie.  I’m so into it I’m staring in it!” I love my funny friends! 

Speaking of “if my made movies” and music, I’m working on another one of those “My Soundtrack” projects with Harp and Taylor.  Here’s what I have so far.  The one’s in bold are the ones I’m basically sure about.

1. Opening Credits
? 

2. Waking Up
Good Morning Good Morning- The Beatles
Morning Has Broken- Cat Stevens
Morning Calls- Dashboard Confessional
11 AM- Incubus

3. Everyday Life
Saturday in the Park- Chicago 

4. Love Scene 

5. Fight Scene

6. Driving

Beautiful Disaster-311

 7. Life’s Ok 

8. Party Scene 

9. Regretting 

10. Flashback 

11. Epiphany 

12. Tripping/Drug Scene
Farewell Ride- Beck
Too Much- DMB

 13. Mental Breakdown
Rescue Blues- Ryan Adams

 14. Long Night Alone 
Put Your Lights On- Everlast and Santana

15. Death Scene
Farewell Ride- Beck
In the Lord’s Arms- Ben Harper 

16. Closing Credits

 Obviously I have a lot of holes to fill in.  I just have way too many songs for each one!  Suggestions are welcome.  I’m also trying to get going on JR’s All Time Favorite Songs.  Basically it’ll be a massive list of all the songs I love.  Every single one of them.  Or at least I want to have a list of all the artists I could never live without and (at most) 10 songs I love of theirs.  My dream for the past 3 years or so has been to have an incredibly organized music collection with playlists and cds for every single situation imaginable.  Yeah… good luck with that. I know…

But then he kissed her, and she forgot all her plans.  Something inside of her told her that this time, she should stay.  Her fingers found his and intertwined with them.  He asked her a question and she nodded, a smile on her face.  “Ok,” she said.  They laughed again, and the rest is history. 

In a lot of ways, he was the closest I’d ever get to having a big brother.  I looked up to him.  I wanted to grow up and be the sort of girl he would be friends with if there weren’t 6 years between us.  It’s almost a disappointment to be 20 years old and discover that we couldn’t be more different.  I thought that if I read a bit of his work, this light would go on in my head and I’d feel like I actually understood someone else for a change.  Not even close!  He writes of philosophy and makes beautiful references to films and authors and people I’ve never heard of.  I’ve stepped into this tiny piece of his mind and found that even if I could have gone to that beautiful place as a 4 year old… the intrecacies there would have only left me lost and disillusioned. 

He’s a screenwriter now.  The summer I was 10 or so, I spent a lot of my time at their house during the day.  He was just starting to get into film making, and he would shoot all these crazy black and white shorts and let me watch them in the living room.  I’d curl up on the couch, my feet tucked up underneath me, with a juice-box in one hand and some fruit snacks in the other.  I looked forward to those days the same way I looked forward to the next chapter in real page-turner.  With only a lens and some quirky indie music, he’d tell me these wonderful stories.  And as the credits rolled, I’d smile to myself and look at him and be amazed.  Ever since he left for film school, I’ve been crossing my fingers that one day something he wrote or filmed or had a hand in will be on TV or in my local cinema.  Now that he’s living in LA, maybe it’ll happen someday.  And maybe I’ll laugh and say to myself, “Now I finally get it!”

The point of all this is… I’ve been reminded of how inspirational his talent was to me.  I was reading his Journal and I found myself thinking, “Where did my voice go?  I want it back!”  I miss writing.  I miss being proud of the words that flew from my fingertips.  When I came down with this nasty case of writer’s block a few years ago, I sort of just gave up.  For years now, I’ve hid behind the excuse “I can only write when I’m angry or heartbroken.”  So tonight I’m making myself a promise.  No more excuses.  If I can’t find inspiration within my own life, I’ll steal it from others.  Who knows, maybe I’ll finally take that shot at fiction I’ve always wondered about. 

Maybe Leon isn’t the only one this “family” has to be proud of. 

- President Roosevelt once gave an entire speech with a bullet in his chest.   At least that’s what Uncle Junior said.  God I love the Sopranos!

- Bear Grylls and I should probably get married someday.  Or maybe Les Stroud.  Honestly I wouldn’t care which because they’re both pretty badass.  If there is a job that’s more bamf then going around the country and “surviving” in the wilderness for any period of time with next to nothing, all the while capturing it all on film, you tell me what that job is and I will sign up.  Besides you know they’re totally chiefin out too.  Ok I guess maybe not Bear since he’s in the British Navy or something.  But with a name like Bear, how do you possibly not have a good time living life, right?  His parents had to have been hippies!  Still… the point of the story is, thus: any dude crazy enough to pull of the stunts they do is definately crazy enough to marry me.   And it’d be so much fun!