JessicaRigby

I’m doing a bad thing.  A really bad thing.  I want to tell them the truth and stop it, except I can’t.  They won’t let me.  I tried to let it go a month ago and it hurt both of us too much.  I never in my wildest dreams thought it would come this far.  I never expected it to last a month, let alone 4.  But now here I am, right smack dab in the middle of a mistake, and I feel completely powerless to fix it.  Shit… I don’t think I really even want to fix it.  The thing is, I like them a lot.  Maybe at first it was just a game, but I’ve come to mean every word and breath and sigh and giggle with all that’s inside of me.  It’s become completely honest and true and sincere.  I let this person become my best friend and now I don’t know what to do.

They deserve to know the truth.  Except telling them the truth would hurt them so much (SO MUCH!) and I could never bare to be the reason for that kind of hurt and confusion in such a beautiful soul.  All I ever wanted to do was inspire them, make them believe in what they synically disbelieved in and claimed they didn’t want.  And I was lonely.  We can’t deny how big of a role that played.  So I keep telling myself, “Just let it go a little longer and you’ll find your way out.” Except I keep going longer and longer and the only thing that I find is more and more reasons that I should stay.  But staying brings this whole thing full circle back the the beginning, where I know I need to leave and I don’t know how.  I dont fucking want to go!  I want to stay this happy and content for the rest of my life.  Except I can’t.  I fucked up at the beginning by not telling the truth, by hiding behind a mask and not being myself.  And it’s simply too late to go back and change that now. 

FUCK!

Why did I do this?  What the hell brought me to this?  No one suggested it.  It didn’t fall upon me.  I choose it.  I tried it a year ago, I loved the way it made me feel, and I stupidly came back to it.  I took it so far and now it’s taking me the rest of the way down, all the way to distruction.  This isn’t going to be pretty when it ends.  There’s going to be tears and sleepless nights and a whole slew of other messy complications.  I’m going to loose the one person that understands, who knows, who cares.  The only one who can really fix me.  (Everyone else just covers it up with a BandAid and a kiss.)  A few months ago I would have laughed, but now I agree with what was said last night.  When this is over… we’ll be ripping a piece of each other away from the other.  I just hope they’re strong enough to ignore the pain.

I know I’m not.

She sat on the rail, her feet dangling beneath her like those of a child.  The cool night air whipped around her face and her hair became a wild mane of gold.  Something about this whole evening was comical to her, and her laughter errupted from her mouth and shook her entire body.  For a moment, she thought she might fall.  He must have had the same thought, because his arms wrapped around her and he pulled her to him.  Their eyes locked and a knowing smile passed between them.  She stared into his eyes for just a moment too long, and what she saw there made her look away.  The way he held her, that look in his eyes and the way her laughter caused his own, it was all too familiar!  She wanted to run.  It was all she knew to do.  If she did it know, it wouldn’t be too late.  She could go home and sleep.  In the morning she’d look back on this night with the same quiet regret she always felt.  Yes, that’s what she would do.  She would leave him here on the balcony and disappear.  Just like she always did.

But then he kissed her, and she forgot all her plans.  Something inside of her told her that this time, she should stay.  Her fingers found his and intertwined with them.  He asked her a question and she nodded, a smile on her face.  “Ok,” she said.  They laughed again, and the rest is history.