JessicaRigby

It’s a good thing there isn’t a rule about how many best friends a person can have.  If there were, I’d be fucked.  See, the thing is, I love each of my close friends in different ways and for different reasons.  Each of them means enough to me that to name one more special than the others just doesn’t make sense.  I’m this way with lots of things, not just friends.  My Facebook profile is thrice as long as it ought to be because I have to give a whole list of favorites for every category.  My friends mean a lot to me, and the ones I consider my best friends are practically family to me.   

I’ve been trying to write this post for a very, very long time.  I’ve started several posts very much like this one, only to delete them from my dashboard before they got anywhere close to publishing.  The thing is, me and Sebastian go way back.  I have to really work my thinker to remember a time I didn’t know him.  When you know a person that long, you stop thinking about what your friendship means to you and if you aren’t careful, you start to take it for granted.  I don’t think I ever stopped knowing that Sebastian is one of the most important people in my life and he’ll always be one of my most favorite, but I do think I take our friendship for granted sometimes. 

But then there are times like tonight when things just go to shit and I end up running away, looking to someone to listen, and he’s the one who comes through for me.  My roommates and I got in a fight and I felt like if I stayed in that apartment one more minute I was going to make some very bad decisions.  Topanga wasn’t in town.  Layla had class.  I didn’t even want to bother Taylor and Dylan.  But damnit I was pissed off and unless I vented soon I was probably going to cry and call my mom.  I started calling all my friends and no one would answer.  And just when the tears started to come, Sebastian saved the day.  I got a voicemail from him saying, “Oh hey!  I missed your call but call me back!” So I did, and he let me know that I’m not the crazy one.  He assured me that I’m a perfectly delightful human being and am loads of fun, impaired or not.  I think I knew this anyway, but it’s nice to hear someone you trust so much say it anyway.  He’s always been bluntly honest with me, so even if he hadn’t been unbiased, he’d have given it to me straight anyway.  It’s nice to have a friend like that.  He’s always got my best interests at heart, even if I don’t want to hear what he has to say sometimes.  I know I can trust him, though, because he won’t just sugar-coat things to make me feel better.  The crazy thing is, he always makes me feel better anyway.

Baz Luhrman had this song out in the 90’s called “Everybody’s Free (To Wear Sunscreen) in which he gives a whole bunch of life advice to the class of ‘97.  I’ve loved the song ever since and I try to listen to it every few months to remind myself of a few things.  There are two lines in the song that have hit home the most lately.  The first one is, “Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on.  Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get,  the more you need the people you knew when you were young.”  I think that pretty much sums up my relationship with everyone from back home, but especially Sebastian and Belle, and maybe Char.  Because I’ve known him for so long, Sebastian has seen it all.  He’s known me through just about every stage imaginable, and he’s seen me through some pretty rough (or at least colorful) times.  I’ve had lots of friends throughout the years, but Sebastian is one of the rare few that has never gone away.  In fact, when things have been shitty, he’s always the one who’s closest by my side.  Obviously it’s nice to have such an amazing and loyal friend, but what I appreciate most is more than just dependability.  The thing about Sebastian is that he knows me.  He’s been my friend for as long as I’ve been in school and if there’s one person who truly understands the way my mind works, it’s him.  He knows my story because he’s lived the whole thing with me.  It’s nice to have someone like that on your speed dial when there are days like today, when you just need a calm, honest voice to talk you through your shit and make you smile.  At the end of our conversation when I exclaimed my joy that Spring Break and thus quality time together is only one week away he told me, “By the way, I have a surprise for you.  Well, actually it’s from my mom because she saw it and was like, ‘Ohmygosh!’ but yes, I have something for you!”  I know it won’t be much, and I’m certainly not saying that the reason I love Sebastian is because of gifts. What I am saying is that it’s nice that I know someone so well that even their mommy sees things and thinks of me.  And in a way, that makes me smile and feel better because it means I have a true, bonafide, best friend in this dude.  That’s enough to cheer me up any day!

So here’s to you, kid!  Thanks for being such a BAMF!  I love you for always and eternal, as the crazy gypsy lady in “Holes” would say.  I don’t say it often anymore, but I hope you still know that I’ve always got your back no matter what happens.  I hope you never ever change because you’re such a stand up guy, but if you do, I promise I’ll love you anyway.  That’s just what best friends are for.

(BTW…The other line from the song that I like a lot lately is, “Be nice to your siblings, they’re your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.” But that’s another story…)

I think it would be in the big band style of the amazing Chicago.  “Saturday In the Park,” “Does Anybody Know What Time It Is?”… they all just seem to cheer me right up and narrarate my daily life.  If I made movies, I’d film myself walking around at a pleasant pace and play Chicago in the background. 

Speaking of “if my made movies” and music, I’m working on another one of those “My Soundtrack” projects with Harp and Taylor.  Here’s what I have so far.  The one’s in bold are the ones I’m basically sure about.

1. Opening Credits
? 

2. Waking Up
Good Morning Good Morning- The Beatles
Morning Has Broken- Cat Stevens
Morning Calls- Dashboard Confessional
11 AM- Incubus

3. Everyday Life
Saturday in the Park- Chicago 

4. Love Scene 

5. Fight Scene

6. Driving

Beautiful Disaster-311

 7. Life’s Ok 

8. Party Scene 

9. Regretting 

10. Flashback 

11. Epiphany 

12. Tripping/Drug Scene
Farewell Ride- Beck
Too Much- DMB

 13. Mental Breakdown
Rescue Blues- Ryan Adams

 14. Long Night Alone 
Put Your Lights On- Everlast and Santana

15. Death Scene
Farewell Ride- Beck
In the Lord’s Arms- Ben Harper 

16. Closing Credits

 Obviously I have a lot of holes to fill in.  I just have way too many songs for each one!  Suggestions are welcome.  I’m also trying to get going on JR’s All Time Favorite Songs.  Basically it’ll be a massive list of all the songs I love.  Every single one of them.  Or at least I want to have a list of all the artists I could never live without and (at most) 10 songs I love of theirs.  My dream for the past 3 years or so has been to have an incredibly organized music collection with playlists and cds for every single situation imaginable.  Yeah… good luck with that. I know…

I’m doped up on “skittles” right now. Betty talked me into it. It took forever to kick in, but now, every time I look away from my computer screen…. WHOLE LEE SHIT! It reminds me of one morning a long long time ago when Taylor and I were sitting in her car and I was so high that I had to buckle my seat belt for fear I would “soar up way too high.” I feel like I weigh two pounds. It’s incredible. Everything feels so nice! I can feel my body touching things-my bed, my toes and my legs, the floor, the wall… but i just sort of…. float.

I dunno. At first I didn’t think it was working. But I just called Sebastian and told him what I was doing and let’s face it… a sober me would NOT do that! I’m not sure how I feel about this. Not at all. You’ll have to ask me in the morning. Betty says its the greatest feeling in the world but from what I’ve experienced thus far in the trip…. she needs to try more feelings!

I think it’s important for people to try things, though. I’ve been doing “drugs” for five years now… it’s about time I broaden my horizons. Just don’t give me any of that gateway drug crap. I dont believe in gateway drugs. I’m not trippin this shit because i got bored with Mary, or even because i want a better high. The way I see it, the two have absolutely nothing to do with each other, aside from the fact that they both make me kinda floaty and happy. The reality is… i’m trippin skittles because someone told me it was fun and i thought it sounded fun too, so i tried it. I’m still not gonna go shoot smack, or become a crackhead, or anything else that’s stupid. I probably won’t even do this shit again.

Well…. maybe.

IT’S A MOTHERFUCKER-Eels
it’s a motherfucker
being here without you
thinking bout the good times
thinking bout the bad
and I won’t ever be the same

I’d be lying if I said that sometimes I don’t still think about you.  It’s too hard not to.  We both know I came here for you, no matter how much we’ve tried to deny it.  Walking these streets, the ghost of a good thing haunts me.  When you put all your hope into a future with someone, the dreams you made don’t go away when they leave.  They linger, hanging over your head like a bad nightmare you can’t shake off.  When we were us, you were the only thing that kept me from giving up.  The only light I could find was in the promises you made.  You were my escape.  As sick as it is, sometimes I wish I still had that dream to run home to. As long as it’s been… sometimes I can still taste you.  I wake up and for just a moment, your smell lingers in the air around me.  More than once I’ve caught my fingers reaching for yours.  But it’s all just an illusison.  I’ll never roll over into the warm place where your body lay next to mine, never loose myself staring through your eyes.  You’re gone for good.  Most of the time I know that’s a good thing.  We couldn’t have made it, even if we had wanted to try.

it’s a motherfucker
getting through a sunday
talking to the walls
just me again
but i won’t ever be the same
i won’t ever be the same

All the same, there are days I can’t forget you.  Sundays are the worst.  Those were our nights.  There are nights I just want to talk and not have to explain.  Even now, you’d be my first pick. You were the only person who could give it to me straight, the only one who saw through my bullshit, the only person who ever understood.  I end up talking to myself, talking to the walls.  Even in the company of friends, I feel so alone.  Nobody can get me the way you got me.  I’m starting to think no one ever will.

it’s a motherfucker
how much i understand
the feeling that you need someone
to take you by the hand
and you won’t ever be the same
you won’t ever be the same

And see, that’s exactly where everything goes wrong.  Because after all the shit you put me through, after every doubt, every nightmare come true… you’re the last person I ever want to see again.  If hate was an emotion I was capable of, you’d likely top my list.  But I can’t hate you.  I loved you too much.  You changed me forever.  I couldn’t go back to the person I was before you, even if there was a reason to. That’s the thing I hate the most: The fact that I can’t give him a chance, even if I wanted to.  For all I know, Taylor is right.  He could be everything I need.  Realisticly, I’m sure he’s at least close.  And there’s a lot inside of me wanting to try.  Wanting to just toss the questions to the wind and jump for it and see where it lands me.  It isn’t what I have to loose that scares me… it’s what I could gain.  I don’t think I could handle another ending like ours.  So I guess I’d rather just not let it even start.  If what Taylor says is true, he’s worth the gamble.  I don’t tend to loose my bets, especially when I choose them wisely.  I’m not afraid of loosing… I’m afraid of winning.  Of being right just this once and finding myself in love again.  I used to love it, but now the idea of leaving myself so vulnerable, so absolutely real and exposed, is enough to send me into a high speed panic.  I’m not sure I’m even capable of caring for someone that much.  And of course, there’s the fact that I also don’t see how it’s possible.  The likelihood of finding someone as interesting to me as I am to them doesn’t even seem like a possibility. And that, fucker, is your fault.  Because you couldn’t just do it the nice way.  You had to go and pick little miss amazing and demolish what was the left of my self esteem while you were at it.  Because she wasn’t just a normal girl.  She was beautiful, and funny, and everyone wanted to be near her.  Even my best friend couldn’t resist being her friend, despite the tears she saw me cry.  So can you blame me for suddenly not believing in myself anymore?  For not feeling good enough for myself, let alone someone else? Even if you can’t… I do.  It’s certainly not because of someone else. I guess what I’m trying to say is… I want to do this. I want to do this and it makes me mad as hell to discover that I can’t.  Once again I’m selling myself short and for what reason?  You’re the cause and the effect… and neither is a privaledge you deserve. 

Music @: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gWHF-0i1TZw (Note: The video is a little strange, but it’s the only working link I could find.)

They should have school right now.  I’m such a night owl that I think I’m probably my most productive after 1:30 pm.  Too bad I’ve only had maybe 4 hours of sleep and I need to get up for class at 8. This week is going to suck!

…at least Taylor and Dylan paid me back.  Mixed with some goodies from Corey and Topanga…. I had a bomb ass night!

My birthday was a good time for sure.  Belle and Sebastian both made the trip, same with Harp and some of my crew from school.  And I’ve been hanging out with Layla a lot more lately too.  She even mentioned living together next year.  So even though I’m broke as shit this month… at least things have been nothing too much to bitch about.  I have the greatest friends in the world!  I’ll give more details at a later time.

I bought a real journal a while back.  It was an attempt at trying to get back to my old habits and rhytmn.  I wrote one completely pointless 10 pager and haven’t touched it since.  I’m trying though, I promise! 

I can’t resist the call of another round of Spider Solitare any longer! 

Until next time!

-JR