JessicaRigby

IT’S A MOTHERFUCKER-Eels
it’s a motherfucker
being here without you
thinking bout the good times
thinking bout the bad
and I won’t ever be the same

I’d be lying if I said that sometimes I don’t still think about you.  It’s too hard not to.  We both know I came here for you, no matter how much we’ve tried to deny it.  Walking these streets, the ghost of a good thing haunts me.  When you put all your hope into a future with someone, the dreams you made don’t go away when they leave.  They linger, hanging over your head like a bad nightmare you can’t shake off.  When we were us, you were the only thing that kept me from giving up.  The only light I could find was in the promises you made.  You were my escape.  As sick as it is, sometimes I wish I still had that dream to run home to. As long as it’s been… sometimes I can still taste you.  I wake up and for just a moment, your smell lingers in the air around me.  More than once I’ve caught my fingers reaching for yours.  But it’s all just an illusison.  I’ll never roll over into the warm place where your body lay next to mine, never loose myself staring through your eyes.  You’re gone for good.  Most of the time I know that’s a good thing.  We couldn’t have made it, even if we had wanted to try.

it’s a motherfucker
getting through a sunday
talking to the walls
just me again
but i won’t ever be the same
i won’t ever be the same

All the same, there are days I can’t forget you.  Sundays are the worst.  Those were our nights.  There are nights I just want to talk and not have to explain.  Even now, you’d be my first pick. You were the only person who could give it to me straight, the only one who saw through my bullshit, the only person who ever understood.  I end up talking to myself, talking to the walls.  Even in the company of friends, I feel so alone.  Nobody can get me the way you got me.  I’m starting to think no one ever will.

it’s a motherfucker
how much i understand
the feeling that you need someone
to take you by the hand
and you won’t ever be the same
you won’t ever be the same

And see, that’s exactly where everything goes wrong.  Because after all the shit you put me through, after every doubt, every nightmare come true… you’re the last person I ever want to see again.  If hate was an emotion I was capable of, you’d likely top my list.  But I can’t hate you.  I loved you too much.  You changed me forever.  I couldn’t go back to the person I was before you, even if there was a reason to. That’s the thing I hate the most: The fact that I can’t give him a chance, even if I wanted to.  For all I know, Taylor is right.  He could be everything I need.  Realisticly, I’m sure he’s at least close.  And there’s a lot inside of me wanting to try.  Wanting to just toss the questions to the wind and jump for it and see where it lands me.  It isn’t what I have to loose that scares me… it’s what I could gain.  I don’t think I could handle another ending like ours.  So I guess I’d rather just not let it even start.  If what Taylor says is true, he’s worth the gamble.  I don’t tend to loose my bets, especially when I choose them wisely.  I’m not afraid of loosing… I’m afraid of winning.  Of being right just this once and finding myself in love again.  I used to love it, but now the idea of leaving myself so vulnerable, so absolutely real and exposed, is enough to send me into a high speed panic.  I’m not sure I’m even capable of caring for someone that much.  And of course, there’s the fact that I also don’t see how it’s possible.  The likelihood of finding someone as interesting to me as I am to them doesn’t even seem like a possibility. And that, fucker, is your fault.  Because you couldn’t just do it the nice way.  You had to go and pick little miss amazing and demolish what was the left of my self esteem while you were at it.  Because she wasn’t just a normal girl.  She was beautiful, and funny, and everyone wanted to be near her.  Even my best friend couldn’t resist being her friend, despite the tears she saw me cry.  So can you blame me for suddenly not believing in myself anymore?  For not feeling good enough for myself, let alone someone else? Even if you can’t… I do.  It’s certainly not because of someone else. I guess what I’m trying to say is… I want to do this. I want to do this and it makes me mad as hell to discover that I can’t.  Once again I’m selling myself short and for what reason?  You’re the cause and the effect… and neither is a privaledge you deserve. 

Music @: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gWHF-0i1TZw (Note: The video is a little strange, but it’s the only working link I could find.)